I can't take this anymore

First I want to say that I am srry for what I am about to say, well here I go:

I f*cking hate my life, everybody treats me llike if I was non existant, I can be with them several minutes and they won't notice me, like if I wasn't even there, I also hate everybody who ignores me, they treat me like if I was someone who was infected with some sort of disease, wanting to shoot them in their head, kill them rip their heart off and eat their hearts, then drink their blood, I have had this ust for blood for about years, having everithing inside me, but I coudn't take it anymore I am srry that this was the place that I had to say this, but I coudn't have it inside me any longer I also hate that people always that such time to answer me things, it's like if they treated me like a baby, who needs to be told the exact thing, thinking that I am non-corrupted, well guess what I have been corrupted for years hating and loving this world at the same time, the same happenss to me with my life, srry to have said all of this but I needed to get out my anger

Don't apologise, Dusk. Sometimes it helps to talk about it a little.
I think perhaps you should consider the guidence of a physcologist. I had one when I was going through depression, and they really do help, as long as you open up to them. They'll help you understand why you feel this way, what made you feel this way, and how to start feeling better.
If it's these emotions which stop you from speaking up or making friends, then I'd suggest following my advice up there, then, once things have are looking a little better, you could try being a bit more vocal and outgoing around others. It's hard to do so, I know, but they'll never treat you differently if you don't try.

Hang in there.

Thxs but I have already gone to a phsicollogist and the breach is already to big, and Blaze I have already hanged in there for 5 years

Well, even if they've treated you before and nothing's come of it, you could still ask them what they think you should do. They'll give you some advice, it's their job.
What's the problem, exactly? You say you have an obsession with darker, more gruesome things, but do you feel violent? If you think you'd actually lash out at someone, or if your contempt could overpower you, tell them so. If they can't deal with it, they'll find someone who can.
Since none of us here are professionals in mental health, Dusk, this is the sort of advice we'll probably all give. But whatever's troubling you, it can be sorted. You speak to us reasonably and coherently on here, so you're not insane, thus, you can be helped.

Ah that's the saddest thing sometimes I only need someone to listen to me without judgin me, but no one seems to do so, also Blaze yes sometimes I want to experience the most darker things, like getting drunk or smoking like the rest of my classmates but then my crhistian teaching stops me of doing it, as you see I love and hate the dark side of things

I'm not trying to judge you, Dusk. I know what it's like to feel alienated. Like everyone's against you, ready to shun you or take you down, and there's nothing that can be done about it. The world just laughs. I've had deep depression before, and I felt like you described at times. I'm trying to give you advice. Uplifting words are a comfort, yes, but they don't really do much. If you're feeling this way, I do want things to get better for you.

I don't really know what to say, but I think you need, with the risk of sounding cliché, relax and rest in yourself. I'm by no means a psychologist, but that is the best advice I can give you. Let go of your anger (Luke) and in my limited experience, the rest will come if you just let it happen.

Also, have you ever changed environment and just met new people with an open mind?

Duskcurse wrote:I want to experience the most darker things, like getting drunk or smoking like the rest of my classmates but then my crhistian teaching stops me of doing it, as you see I love and hate the dark side of things

I don't have anything to say regarding the primary element of the thread, I would only be repeating what Blaze has been saying. However, and pardon me if i'm wrong, but alcohol and tobacco aren't banned in Christianity. They aren't "dark" things. Don't feel like you're committing sin for wanting to get drunk and smoke (although I wouldn't start smoking ). I think you're makin g this worse for yourself. If your lifestyle is upsetting you, stop living that lifestyle?

I now that smoking and drinking aren't "dark" things in the world, but the way my family has raised me makes me see them as dark things, and well this forums are a good way to let my stress out