Aggrevations and Anxieties (notably mine)

I am just so damn fed up with everything.

All the time I see all this new content of the game and know next to nothing of it. What the hell is this Clan Citadel and all this content. I don't understand any of it and cannot find something that will make any more sense out of it. Not to mention the annoying fan based ideas. I don't care about mana or the likes, from my perspective, it's all aura and that's my idea, so I want it back!

I feel so damn inadequate all the time. I start writing something, daring to enjoy it for a while then everyone else has already done it and done it better than me. The same comes with all these exams results. I am so damn tired that nearly everywhere I go, everyone, even complete and total f***wits has achieved far better than me. I spent most of my academic years being bullied at school by arse holes who spent their entire time taking the piss out of how I spoke, who I was and whatever mistakes I made and they were in and out of school frequently and playing truant when it came to lessons. And yet I look back at my abysmal grades and wonder if it was all worth it? They come out with impressive grades, and they were hardly ever there except to bully me! I worked hard and tried to keep my head down and suffered really bad depression through my latter years, and get punished and they are rewarded with impressive grades for all their misdeeds. How is that?

I now reach the first year of leaving full-time academic study, but its hardly a celebration. In one year, I have been completely unable to find a job. I had one job that was promising and I was hoping for the best, but no. I was supposed to be mending computers, but instead I was called in to collect leaflets before my arranged start time, deliver them in the snow, with no promise of a bus journey home again and having to work overtime. One month later, I lose my job completely, because I couldn't stay awake at work. On that day, I was up all night with a cold, had to be up at 5am, at the bus stop at 7.30am, arriving at work just short of 9am, delivering leaflets in what was the worst snow for years with a draughty coat and a cold that couldn't go away with the office being -5 degress centigrade because the boss was too cheap to pay for the radiators to be mended. No wonder I couldn't stay awake, I was having the worst day ever at work.

Since then, I have been completely unable to find a job and keep it. I had a voluntary shift, but the other workers there dislike people who are enthusiastic and enjoy finding jobs to do, not to mention some of them are related to the bastard filth that made my life through school a living hell and think that they have some god-given right to do so. I apply for over two dozen jobs every week. Not ONE has ever replied. One became close, but apparently I wasn't "right" for the job and didn't have the right qualities to answer a phone.

I spend most of my time stuck in my house with the most deranged couple ever, my grandparents. Think of Mrs. Bucket from "Keeping Up Appearances" and now multiply her obsession with presentation by 10 and you have my grandparents. They will NEVER back down from keeping an eye on you, NEVER back away from your business and will NEVER respect your need for privacy. I try to do important things, like looking for work. But to them, it's not in the slightest bit as important as mowing the lawn. The F***ing lawn, I feel like burning it! The house does horrible things to you and I just want them away from me so I can live my life out in peace and do things my way without their undeterred, constant intervention.

But of all the things that have hurt me most, it has to have been this. I try and arrange something with my "friends" (soon to be removed if they don't make the next one). This is now a particularly dark and lonely time for me. I could decide to end it all at a moments notice because everything is so bad. I try to find comfort and arrange times to get together. They are given plenty of warning and reminders. I arrive at the venue, they aren't there. I give them the benefit of the doubt for a couple of hours... still nothing. I return home, broken, to see all of them cancelling seconds before the arranged time. That is hardly fair. After which, they won't talk to me, they won't answer my messages, not even the comfort to apologise.

So yeah, this is my shit life so far. Oh wait, I've been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, recently Dyspraxia and most of the world thinks I have distorted sexual orientations, so I am basically a freak. Got anymore to add to the list?

Okay, listen, you are not a freak. You are you. You are a writer, and a goddamn person, with all the good and bad that comes with that. So the world thinks your sexuality is distorted and 'wrong'...So the f*ck what!? How many times has the world blindly condemned because something was different, it is the bane of our time, the bane of the past and the bane of the foreseeable future.

I know that dispensing advice over the internet is one of the most irresponsible things I can do...so instead I'll just give my opinion. It seems to me that what you need most is to get out of the place you're in. Based on a lot of your descriptions it sounds like you're still living and looking for work in the same place you went to school. I know it may well be the only place you can stay with anyone, and you can't afford to go anywhere else, but I would look into it.

Above all, please don't choose to end it all. You have your own distinct view of this world, which has brought joy to many. You have talents most of us could never hope to have. The eloquence, beauty and focus of your language is incredible. Please, you may not believe this, but you are one of the people who I truly respect and whose talent I truly envy.

I agree with Dark. Move away, since it seems like the rut you're in is because you're unable to escape the people causing it. Whilst many people hate our government and the ways things are done, they're actually pretty good at handling this sort of thing. There are people you can call, places you can go...

Heck, I don't know if that's what you meant by "first year of study" but go to University. Apply for loans and stuff to pay for everything, you get to live in a new place with new people and new job opportunities. And since you can't afford anything, that's what the loans are for.

And if you estrange yourself from your grandparents (although I don't know how formally you're already living with them) then you'll apply for ll the grants and likely get bursaries and stuff.

I would agree, I know the experiences you've had have left a sour taste in your mouth at the thought of continuing formal education, but I would really say that you seem like the type of person who would function best if you could find a group of genuinely academically interested friends.

I only suggested university because it's the "cheapest" way I can think of you moving (without going into the benefits system). I mean, yes, it's a loan.. but it's still getting to move for "free" in some sense of the word. Plymouth is nice.

Awkward writing from iPad, but...

Someone clever said most writers don't enjoy writing, they enjoy having written.

Have you read Catcher in the Rye?

Also, without giving advice over the internet, those people don't sound like friends...

But at the same time, and not to be harsh, you're hardly being friendly to them if you're issuing warnings and final ultimatums.

Then maybe moving to Wales might be a catalyst or something.

Sadly, my grandparent's intervention rating has been catapulted beyond the acceptable regions of "Caring" or "meddlesome" and borders between "privacy invasion" and "stalking". Tensions are now high and instead of simply taking the easy option of just staying clear they have agreed with selling up our home and moving away from everything we know, just so we can cut ties with them.

I know how you feel. My brother who is roughly twenty something hates my parent's overbearing behaviors geared toward him. You are not alone. Trust, me, give it time and things will turn better.

I just can't figure where the pendulum hits...

The pendulum doesn't hit. The pendulums swings, and that's the beauty of it.

Pendulum is meant to be a reference...

Ahhhh

Spoiler:

srry double posted by accident